I've been feeling dull as a coat hanger
Pretty as a picture of a patient on a fresh iv
Giddy as a gangbanger with a set of sutures where his magic johnson ought to be

Yes i'll tell you just the thing you need to be the next big thing
Let's start in with a test of your intelligence
And zest for the counter-productive
Up and down and roundabout and out the back
And keep your mouth shut tight
The lights are staying out but no sweat i've got aim like a mack truck
Guess how many fingers ok guess how many more I can fit there
Guess right get the toaster but you know, miss, guessing gets you nowhere

I've been baking cakes for the enemy
I've been dying to find out the hard way
Ive been taking friends to the alleyway
Two down now but who's counting anyway

Yes I can do everything you need from out of my new SUV
All my work is guaranteed to last the length of your recovery
Put away those pliers honey trust me cause I know the options
How about a nine-month long vacation and a two-foot coffin

I've been getting up close and intimate
Some close calls but I'm getting into it
In some states they say you can burn for it
But I'll burn that bridge when I get to it

It's not a bad thing
To get professional
It's got a nice ring
Mandy goes to med school

I've been taking tips from the government
I've been getting damn good at hiding it
Fifty bucks a month ought to cover it
Two down now but who's gonna notice it
And if you show up and I am unavailable
My partner Brian would love to take care of you

He is a nice man
Thoroughly reliable
He's in a rock band
And he goes to med school